Musique!

I was waiting on the subway platform for the next train. It was cold, but I loosened my scarf, took off my heavy gloves and waited for the next song to start playing on my iPod. I keep it in shuffle mode to let it “surprise” me, but I favor certain songs for my commute to work: happy, quick songs that would aid my already caffeinated body to get ready for the day ahead.

The train arrived just as your song came up. I have forgotten the times I have pushed forward to avoid listening to it, but today I let it play. As I sat down, I let myself listen to the music, the lyrics; each word taking me closer to where I keep you in my brain’s filing cabinet.

I remembered that time in the summer when we were playing with your football under the rain, right outside my building. People walking by stared at us, some surely thinking we were crazy, some envying us a little. Or the time after my grandmother died and I just cried for hours, wrapped in your arms, until I fell asleep. And the day when I came home on Valentine’s Day to find a beautiful orchid on the table, waiting for me in a pretty little pot.

As I sat there, I refused to let my mind go to my safe place: that of sanity, where my decision to accept the fact that this is to be no more resides. Where I keep the “constructive” criticisms, the emotional (and physical) unavailability, the incompatibilities, the certainty that it was not meant to be. I wanted to enjoy your song at its best with only good memories of our firsts. I was smiling when the song ended. I opened my eyes and I caught a guy staring at me. I looked away.

I now decided to let my mind wander like this, allowing each song to remind me of a different person, a part of my life, a specific memory. I am sure some songs will be good, some not so much. But I will enjoy the process. And I will only go to the safe zone if strictly necessary. I know that, all things considered, this might not be the "bestest" decision, but I have not been behaving very rationally lately, so there. Let the music play.