The monsters under the bed

I have not been sleeping lately. I have been falling asleep, mind you, but then I wake up in the middle of the night sweating, as if I had been running for hours (which actually would be great, considering I have not dragged my ass to the gym since the year started. New Year’s resolutions? What ARE those??). Usually I was able to roll over, fall back asleep, no problem. Recently? No such luck. My mind starts going places faster than my gym-starved body can run, and before I realize it, it’s gone, and there I am: by my grandma’s hospital bed. In the apartment I shared with J in Hoboken. Sitting in my old office. In my grandpa’s home in Mexico. It even goes to my could’ve-been life. The one I only imagine from time to time and that I only visit for fun, to remember, to fantasize. The one I would’ve had if I had made different choices, if other roads had been traveled.

I don’t regret my decisions, but sometimes in the middle of the night, I wonder. I guess this is all because I’m sad; really sad. And the hardest thing is that there are so many things in my life that make me happy, truly happy: good friends, good times, new things, experiences, Daniel Day-Lewis. However, lately, this sadness overcomes me when I least expect it, and I don’t know how to vanish it. My therapist is advising pills, but popping a happy pill is not exactly my idea of making things better. It just numbs me so that I don’t feel anything at all, and I don’t want that either.

This frightens me because I know there’s a bumpy road ahead. My grandfather is getting older by the second, and my grandma Teresa as well. It broke my heart to see her this past Christmas, but with everything else that is going on with my life in Mexico, she was the highlight of my trip.

I can deal with the fear during the day, but at night, when I’m asleep, the monsters crawl from the depths of my brain and come out to play, and it seems that I don’t have anything to chase them away with. I’m not feeling strong enough. Maybe some sleep would help…