...or at least that's what I keep repeating to myself. But one must admit that it is hard to stay positive when so many things are not going exactly well.
I wish I had a job. I am working now, but it's not a permanent thing, and I like security, stability, and of course, benefits like health insurance. I cannot go with "we'll need you until October at least", because I start freaking out about November already. I know that something will come up, and somehow, somewhere, I'll find something, but still. Also, it is pretty demoralizing when people keep repeating that I'm not good enough: "you don't have a J.D.", "you don't have enough experience in the field", "you cannot read my mind and guess what I want from you". I am tired of this. One part of me wants to just get up an leave, travel the world forever and when the money-well dries, just walk into the river and into the sunset. But I can't.
Also, I am tired of fucking and being fucked, with nothing else in the future but the moment. The "now". I want someone to want me forever, and to want that someone back in the same way, as if there was noone else but the two of us. And I'm not in high-school anymore, in spite of how silly it sounds. It is pretty pathetic.
I got another rejection today for a job that I really, really wanted. The HGFW keeps avoiding me, closing the door to send some sort of messsage. Don't you worry, silly boy, I don't want you anymore, and if there is a brain cell left in me that still thinks about you, I will kill it. I know I am being dramatic and stupid.I am not feeling very sensitive to reality. I am lucky in so many ways. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
I need a stiff drink. And I'll go get it soon. Goodbye, stupid little braincells. For whom the bell tolls, you ask?
It tolls for thee... indeed.
Cheers.
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